There are many things I don't trust. Politicians, weather forecasts, woolie-worm predictions, ground-hog shadows... and apparently myself.
As I ranted about a couple of days ago, I really think that I've underestimated my pony, but deep down have known what's there. I really do want to believe he can move up the levels, but honestly, I don't know that I totally trust myself.
Instructors ask me "what did you think of that ride?" I say "Oh, it was ok," when I know good and damned well it was amazing.... but what if it wasn't? What if I don't know what amazing feels like and really it sucked and I say "wow, that was really good" and they say "no you fool, you missed here, he jumped like a pile of dog poo here, and he galloped around on his forehand like he was rooting for earthworms."... and so I say "yeah, it was ok" just in case that's the case.
That same thinking transfers to my riding. I'm a bit safe -- there, I said it. I want to feel like every stride is spot on, and that my horse gracefully canters down to everything in perfect rhythm with no extra pony-club-kicks or elbow flaps needed to get safely to the other side.
But I am an eventer, where things need to feel on the verge of chaos (but organized chaos, none-the-less) to be amazing.
This new revelation of letting my inner-control freak take a much needed vacation comes at a perfect time, as I've started taking lessons with local rider, Steven Blue. My first lesson with him was yesterday, where I think I gained valuable insight to the psychosis that lives within me -- and I don't think Steven even knew he had such a profound impact! Yes, there are always things to work on, but he kindly let me know that in order to get somewhere things boundaries need to be pushed - even shoved a bit, and that believe-it-or-not, P-man is ready to be pushed.
So here I am, convincing myself that I can now let my dangerous side roll a bit, and learn to take a deep breath and count in rhythm, even when I do come around the corner to a massive square oxer and don't see a thing - it's too late to panic now - just enjoy the ride!